Going full Sherlock with the stats
Some of MuddyUm’s Most Read Stories Ever
Can you imagine if thousands of people read your story?
I think I’ve been a rousing success on Medium if 100 people read anything I’ve written. Heck, I’ll even throw a party for 50 pairs of eyeballs. So imagine my surprise looking back and seeing that there are MuddyUm stories with thousands and thousands of reads. Not views. Reads.
Ready to take a trip down Memory Lane? We don’t have to go far.
I’d be remiss in not mentioning Rachael Ann Sand’s Study Confirms Nose Holes Connect to Lungs which is the most-read story ever on MuddyUm with 95K reads. She’s been celebrated for this feat of awesomeness in a previous newsletter so I will pick five more below.
Apparently, I’m the Last Person Still Playing Wordle by Tom Navratil (12.6K reads)
This piece came out in February 2022 and capitalized on a craze. According to Wiki, “the game’s player base rose greatly, from just 90 players on November 1, 2021, to over 300,000 by January 2, 2022, and more than 2 million a week later.” So Tom had plenty of company despite the fact he envisioned himself alone.
Now I’m the last oak standing in the forest. Facing that blank matrix at dawn; populating the squares with letters; perpetuating the grid of life.
I’m still playing, Tom. Are you?
The Only Man On The Santa Maria Who Knew The Truth by Bashar Salame, D.C (11K reads)
In October 2020, Bashar highlighted the plight of Antonio, a relatively unknown sailor and amateur navigator aboard The Santa Maria, who got crosswise with Christopher Columbus.
Antonio being uncomfortable with all the silence took it as a sign to keep speaking, “Look Chris, this is huge man. This is way bigger than finding a new route to India. We, YOU, you found a New World dude! Who knew this was even here? I mean these people that are already here obviously did, but Europeans didn’t. I sure as hell didn’t. Did you guys? (continued silence from Chris and the others) This might be just a small section. I mean, there could be a whole land mass here bigger than Europe, bigger than India. This is huge!” Antonio exclaimed.
What happens to Antonio? Read on to find out.
Never Use Self Check-Out! by Christine Stevens (10.7K reads)
OK, Christine, this piece from October 2023 is BRILLIANT! A modern-day Jean Valjean goes to Walmart to buy some bread for his sister’s hungry child. And the security guard is named Javert.
It was so long. I stood there getting impatient. Then I noticed there was a self-checkout stand with nobody waiting. So I went over there. Stupid me. But this time, I tried very hard to make sure I was doing everything right. I scanned the candlesticks. I put them in the bagging area. I put in my credit card. I thought I did all that correctly.
But then as I was walking out the door of the Target, an alarm went off again.
There’s also a bit about Anne Hathaway. I am Team Anne. But still funny.
Things I Grew Up With That Seem Weird As F*&% Now by Patrick Metzger (7.4K reads)
This is a recent one — May 2024 and I remember laughing hysterically reading it then. By the way, the story’s title uses the actual four-letter word. I’m a prude. Patrick isn’t. And Zeus love him for it. It’s all dead-on for someone who grew up in the 70s and early 80s but this is my fav:
Safety my ass, we didn’t need no stinking seatbelts. My parents would toss four of us kids into the back of the station wagon before driving six hundred miles across the continent to see my grandparents (my grandfather continued driving until he was essentially blind, which added to the daredevil appeal of automotive travel.) Cars were also rolling death traps, so even a minor collision might see you hurled through the windshield or trapped inside waiting for the explosion.
Phone books. Semi-feral dogs. Who’s the Boss. This story has it all.
At Our New Clinic We Can Remove The Covid Vaccine From Your Body by Dansky Dan (22K reads)
This gem from June 2021 fascinates me because while it may not be one of the most clapped-for stories of all time — it’s one of the most-read MuddyUm stories. With all the talk about vaccines, then and now, it still resonates.
If you have been recently vaccinated, we can offer our basic $19.95 treatment plan. We stick a tube up your bum and flush out the vaccine with warm water. For an extra $5.00 we can use sparkling water for a more refreshing experience.
Feel the relief as you sit on the toilet knowing all that nasty Covid vaccine is being flushed away.
“But I got the vaccine at the very start and it’s been weeks in my system,” you say.
That’s perfectly fine. For $49.95 we can completely drain your body of blood.
Reminds me, I need to get my flu shot.
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